____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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