thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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