God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
