My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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