i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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