pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
