i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
