I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
