i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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