we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
