I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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