Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
