The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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