I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
