he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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