So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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