Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize