I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
