Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize