i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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