ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
