Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize