I accidentally burped into my bong.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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