Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
