i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
