So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I touched a dick in church today
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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