Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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