Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
