If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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