Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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