Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
