Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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