she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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