the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize