mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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