i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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