you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
