Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
