i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
