so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
