is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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