There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
