I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Randomize
