the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
