Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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