I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
