i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need to stop coming to work sober
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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