how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Let's get the cat blown out
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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