I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize