the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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