Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
