I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
