WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
