Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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