we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
