thus making me awesome and them whores
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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