Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
