i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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