it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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