we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I deserve this hangover.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
