I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
