dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
