I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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