Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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