you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I party with great urgency now.
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