just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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